halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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