i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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