dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
