I think my vagina is haunted
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
