If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
