God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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