PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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