I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I looked at my own cervix.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
