hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
the raccoons are back...
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