Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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