and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
