do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I need to calm my uterus...
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
