cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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