I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
i've created a new STD.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
