Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
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