nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
