I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
