why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Randomize
