she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
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