Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
