i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
