dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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