I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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