Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
