i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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