I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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