I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
