i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
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