apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
