i think my mom watched the whole time
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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