You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
