i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
