Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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