i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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