peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
