so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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