My friends, they love my intelligence
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
im six kinds of drunk right now
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
