The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
