bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize