um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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