I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
