she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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