I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
