the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
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