Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
two words...techno handjob
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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