Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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