Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
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