When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
where are my eyebrows?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
