Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
