Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
