I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
