OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
