Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
