Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
