In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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