i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
