i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I believe in your delicious
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