I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
